Spain Killers
By Mark Daniell
07/12/2022
Preamble
Consider the apple. The greatest fruit. The oldest fruit. The first fruit, as listed in the Bible. Who doesn’t love the apple? Adam has one. Eve gave him one (fnark). Billion dollar companies are named after the apple. The apple is content. And then one day, the humble kumquat arrives on the scene and people say, oh that’s nice, he’s scored a hat-trick. The apple is angry. The apple storms off in a huff and doesn’t say well done to the kumquat.
Be careful apple, because you might end up looking like a plum.
Amble
Morocco 0 (3) – (0) 0 Spain So you see, the mouse knows about the best laid plans of men. But apparently, the advice was lost in translation. To recap: don’t keep 75% of possession and only muster two shots in two hours, if you’re then going to miss your first three penalties. As plans go, that’s a bad one. And if that wasn’t your plan, and you’d laid a better one, well, there’s probably a proverb.
Portugal 6 – 1 Switzerland 39-year-old Pepe scores to become the second oldest goalscorer in World Cup history. Yes, he may be named for a skunk, model his look on Pitbull, and play football in the style of a fishbone in your throat, but 39? The mouse dreads to think of the false hope this has given to Portuguese dads. Expect long queues at the Porto A&E whiplash department on Monday.
Postamble
And it’s time for a break. A break? That can’t be right. You don’t feed the planet a diet of football excess for two weeks straight only to go cold turkey the night before Christmas. If FIFA Claus really knew their audience, this is where they’d introduce a half time show, complete with celebrity singalongs and a mini match between the best of the knocked-out players vs the best of those-who-never-qualified. Come on, Gianni, listen to the mouse!
Meanwhile, we’ve got Friday to think about. Four previous finalists go head to head. What does the data tell us? The data tells us what happened in the past. To find out what happened in the future, look to the coloured dice…
Pundit-watch
“I never practiced penalties. I love the pressure. Not knowing what’s going to happen. Put yourself in a really really tough position.”
Dion Dublin throws his hat in the ring to play Bohdi in the next Point Break remake.
Kit of the Day
Spain’s baby blue monstrosity. Clearly the chimera offspring of a boutique design firm, a hundred focus groups, and the head of the Spanish FA adding a late red and yellow clash to the shoulders. It looks like vom. The mouse abides.
Goal of the Day
Achraf Hakimi practiced this as a ten-year-old in his garden against his brother: Morocco are one kick away from their first ever World Cup quarter final. He steps up to the penalty. He dinks. The goalie sees it too late. It floats straight down the middle. Achraf dances like a penguin.
Doppellëtter
Virgil Van Dijk = Venus De Dilo Vincent Van Dogh Valerie Dingleton
Win Predictions
Croatia v Brazil
11 year old: “Brazil!”
7 year old: “Brazil!”
Lab results: Brazil
Coloured Dice: Blue
The Netherlands v Argentina
11 year old: “Argentina!”
7 year old: “Argentina!”
Lab results: The Netherlands
Coloured Dice: Brown
Tally
11 year old: -£9.37
7 year old: -£4.01
Argentina! (He's only had that lab coat two years)