Landlord says

  • Please, please don't start on petrol prices. If you were a piece of zooplankton, squished for sixty million years, fractionally distilled and then shipped halfway across the road to be burnt in a traffic jam because someone didn't want to get their hair wet, then I'll listen. If not, go back to your GCSEs.
     
  • On 03/12/2010, the landlord said...
    I'd love to complain but I do the same thing with Trivial Pursuits. If you've got the question card you decide who wins. Tip of the cap to Mr. Blatter I say.
     
  • On 16/07/2010, the landlord said...
    Sorry darling, no fortune today, I’m at the cricket.
     
  • On 15/07/2010, the landlord said...
    You like crisps? You like a dime bar once in a while? You like seventeen ham sandwiches and two pounds of cheddar? No? Well learn where to draw the line cochese.
     
  • On 14/07/2010, the landlord said...
    If you’ve ever referred to Wednesday as ‘the hump’ you need to sit down, drink some water and think long and hard about what’s going on in your life. The hump... You’re the hump.
     
  • On 13/07/2010, the landlord said...
    So you thought you wouldn’t shave today? I see, no that’s fine. Tomorrow maybe I’ll club someone at the bus stop, take them home and mate with them. If we’re all going native, I mean.
     
  • On 12/07/2010, the landlord said...
    World Cup? What? What is that, some kind of generic bra size?
     
  • On 09/07/2010, the landlord said...
    Should I have another biscuit? Should I not? Am I fat? Am I not? Ooh dilemmas, dilemmas, you really want to know something? I don’t care.
     
  • On 08/07/2010, the landlord said...
    …and another thing, I don’t care if coffee is hot, slurping makes you sound, and look, like a pig.
     
  • On 07/07/2010, the landlord said...
    Yeah, you know what? Go back to the bathroom and wash your hands. Then we’ll talk.
     
  • On 05/07/2010, the landlord said...
    You want your fortune? Ok, you’re going to be rich. No wait, you’re going to be poor. That way if I’m wrong you won’t mind. Happy now?
     
  • On 02/07/2010, the landlord said...
    I can’t get my iphone to sync with my laptop because one’s a pc and one’s a blah blah blah. Jesus, did you ever stop to listen to yourself? You sound like a mental case.
     
  • On 30/06/2010, the landlord said...
    What am I going to do? There's no football on TV! Relax... There's always time for a little casual xenophobia down the old people's home. And I'm sure they could do with the company.
     
  • On 29/06/2010, the landlord said...
    You know when they show pictures of the crowd in a football match and the fans suddenly see themselves and wave? Yeah, better hit the gym right?
     
  • On 28/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Boo-hoo
     
  • On 25/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Breakfast like a king, dine like a pauper. I got stuck into a magnum of Moet one breakfast and I was dining like a pauper for a week. How’s that for proverbial?
     
  • On 24/06/2010, the landlord said...
    I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there are age limits: no crying over eleven; no gaming over thirty; and no gum over fifty. Sorry but there it is.
     
  • On 23/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Ooh there’s too much meat in the modern diet, we didn’t evolve to eat this much meat, ooh. Listen vegemo, we didn’t evolve ipods to listen to moaners like you all day either. Get over it.
     
  • On 22/06/2010, the landlord said...
    What am I going to do? They’re destroying a piece of the rainforest the size of Britain every day! I’ll tell you what you’re going to do: precisely nothing. Nothing. That’s what. Nothing.
     
  • On 21/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Yeah, let’s put it down to parental issues. That’ll do for now. Meanwhile, you’ve got to hope Wikipedia don’t ever get round to sending you psychiatry bills or you’ll be in shtuck.
     
  • On 18/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Hey, if it’s a rash see a doctor. If it’s nothing, shut up. But don’t come to me with that sort of crap.
     
  • On 17/06/2010, the landlord said...
    I can’t believe you honestly thought you’d find an answer by putting that in google. You know what? If I were you, I’d clear the history right now.
     
  • On 16/06/2010, the landlord said...
    So you floss once in a while? Right, and in between, what? It deserves a bit of breathing space? I don’t know what’s worse, your breath or the fact that you’re using FBI negotiation techniques on a bit of plaque.
     
  • On 15/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Shopaholic! I’m a shopaholic! You’re an idiot.
     
  • On 14/06/2010, the landlord said...
    Wait, wait, let me get this straight. You're tired because you stayed up late to watch Australia play football? Listen to yourself.
     
  • On 03/06/2010, the landlord said...
    That’s right, stuff your iPod into your ears and escape to Never Never Land. Wake me up when you get back. In fact, don’t bother.
     
  • On 02/06/2010, the landlord said...
    How can so many people living so close together create such anonymity? What a paradox! Shut up. You wanna paradox? How come you keep getting the right shoes on the right feet every morning?
     
  • On 01/06/2010, the landlord said...
    You want answers? I want answers. We all want answers. The trouble is, you don’t even understand the question.
     
  • On 31/05/2010, the landlord said...
    Feeling lonely? Feeling misunderstood? Well move house then. And if that doesn’t work, try something else.
     

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