The Final Countdown
By Mark Daniell
17/12/2022
Preamble
Everybody loves a conspiracy theory: they’re fun and they hint at a master plan that makes sense of this mayhem we call life. Also because if you wait long enough, they always end up being true. And what better conspiracy than that the virus currently ravaging the France team was delivered via Declan Rice? Declan missed a day of training before the France match, played anyway, and was given hot treatment by Rabiot and Upamecano, two players now out with flu-like symptoms. The mouse likes to think Gareth implemented a quarter finals mummy’s curse, and, much like Jafar when he grabbed Iago’s tail on his way into the lamp at the end of Aladdin, took them down with him. See BBC? See how many non-racist (slightly racist) directions you could have taken for your Qatar World Cup motif? But no, you stick with your jazzy font and your autotuned Mowbray mashup. (Spoiler alert for that bit about Aladdin, by the way.)
Still, you can’t blame Gareth, everyone knows you should be careful when heating up cold rice.
Amble
Argentina 3 – 0 Croatia The mouse spent 40 minutes in a Heathrow queue watching a cagey first half on a phone only to reach the front as a penalty is awarded. A clash of priorities? No clash: ladies and children first. And strangers. Strangers also first.
France 2 – 0 Morocco Alas, the pride of Atlas Lions finally runs out of prey. Not before defender El Yamiq manages to squeeze an overhead kick against the post, mind you. Yes, Yamiq! If you have to go out, the mouse says go out with an overhead against the post.
Postamble
Well, the mouse has been here before, and it didn’t end well. Accordingly expectations are being suitably repressed, not least because France are in the business of crushing dreams. A bit of judicious research carried out over the border in Brazil by the mouse yesterday revealed that even native Brazilian, Tiago, wants Argentina to win. The fact is, literally nobody but France want France to win. And even then Dembele has said it’d be nice if Messi did. When dreams are that universal you just know you’re doomed.
Pundit-watch
“Was I bitterly disappointed? You bet I was.”
Why use one sentence, when you can squeeze in two? Clive ‘take two bottles into the shower’ Tyldesley demonstrates why he’s on the plane home early with ironic concision.
Kit of the Day
Argentina freshen up a classic by introducing a little yellow sun between the shoulder blades. Like a little flag, right? Right. Shouldn’t we change the width of the stripes, then? Right. Not such a classic any more. Shame.
Goal of the Day
Messi drops the shoulder. Gvardiol buys the dummy. Messi lays it on a plate for Alvarez to stroke home. Airport bars were made for this.
Doppellëtter
Kylian Mbappe = Kylie Mbinogue Kim Mbardashian Krusty the Mblown
Win Predictions
Croatia v Morocco
11 year old: “Morocco!”
7 year old: shrugs
Lab results: n/a
Coloured Dice: Red
Argentina v France
11 year old: “Argentina!”
7 year old: “Argentina!”
Lab results: n/a
Coloured Dice: Yellow
Tally
11 year old: -£11.10
7 year old: -£4.14
Argentina!